Monday, April 20th 2009

Taken from Wikipedia: Spiders (order Araneae) are air-breathing chelicerate arthropods that have eight legs, and chelicerae modified into fangs that inject venom.

What it should have said: Spiders (order WTF) are fire-breathing chelicerate arthropods that have eight legs with visible hair on them, eight eyeballs for no reason, and chelicerae modified into fangs that inject venom into any Stephen in the area.

Friday was like eating a club sandwich with moldy bread. This probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but let me explain. Any time I see or hear about having a chance to eat a club sandwich, I get stoked. They’re delicious, filling, and don’t make me feel sick. Now if you took that sandwich and put it on moldy bread, we’re looking at a whole different situation. What you have there is something amazing (meat-on-meat, lettuce, cheese, dressing, etc) surrounded by items of disgust (moldy bread). Now, how does that apply to my Friday night? It’s simple.

I love dancing. Because of this I decided to throw a dance party at my house. This dance party is something that is awesome. The only problem was that a spider approached me both before AND after the dance party, giving you a metaphorical moldy sandwich.

The first encounter was straight out of one my nightmares. I was cleaning the house, getting ready for guests. I live with people who don’t know how to put DVDs and video games away when they’re done using them, so I had a stack of discs that I was putting into cases. I was rummaging through a big bin of cases when I lifted up Madden ’03 (why do I still even have that?) only to find a spider moving all eight of it’s legs so fast that they made that little circle you see when the roadrunner is being chased by coyote. My roommate Austin was around so I made him kill it while I watched to make sure it was actually dead. This little nugget was squirming all over the cases and video game controllers and I wanted nothing to do with it. Here it is. Prepare to get goosebumps.



(That is NOT my hand)

So after that incident I was on edge, but the most excellent dance party that occurred shortly after took care of it. Little did I know that spiders like to dance as well. After all the guests had gone home I was hanging out with my friend Tulo in my kitchen. We were just standing around, reminiscing on how incredible we both are. I went to get something out of my fridge when lo and behold a spider was spotted RUNNING down the wall to the left of my fridge. Now, most of the time when I see spiders they are either just chillin' out or contained by some sort of bin (like the one we saw earlier). This one was full on sprinting and I had to act fast. There was no time for pictures as I picked something (no clue) out of the garbage and slammed it up against the wall. Guys, I seriously acted so fast that it could have been Michael Johnson (does anyone even remember him?) in spider form and I still would’ve slaughtered it. I know there’s no picture for this one, but you can ask Tulo and he will tell you it happened. If you think about it, it’s actually better than a picture because a picture can be photoshopped. The good word of Tulo can’t.

Daily Spider Count: 2
Weekly Spider Count: 2
Overall Feeling: Only one more month left in this hell hole