Technology is spreading like a wildfire, that I've made clear. What I haven't touched on yet is that technology is no longer just benefiting humans. We use technology to help improve the lives of animals, plants, and the earth in general. Surgeries are available for cats and dogs, full body scans are being done on race horses, and so on and so forth. Animals benefit from technology, and it would be foolish of me to assume that spiders don't take advantage of the technological opportunities set forth in front of them. That famous saying, "it only takes a spark to get a fire going" rings ever so true in my conquest to banish all forms of arachnids from the planet. I imagine a few spiders got bored one day and decided to hop on the webs of another kind. The webs that are available WORLDWIDE. These little turds, not so different from humans, had egos and Googled themselves. Obviously, not having a name, they just typed in "spider". Even more obviously, my blog (having received national acclaim) was the first hit. They read through it a few times and decided they wanted to have absolutely nothing to do with me. Even more than avoiding me, they took it upon themselves to warn their brethren of me, and now I have single-handedly raised the spider world's threat level to a hearty orange; one step away from the highest level possible, red. I credit my straight-forward reporting. I never back down from posting pictures, regardless of how gruesome or creepy they may be. A dead spider carcass that has been smashed by a DVD case? Post it. A living spider just seconds away from it's inexorable death? Post it. It's this kind of journalism that creates a buzz, and it has obviously worked in my favor.
NOW. With that all being said, this week has been a wake up call of sorts. Along with the electronic advancements comes the downfall; shorter attention spans. We live in a world chock full of gadgets and fast paced action, and therefore have adopted a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude. An NFL team can win 11 straight games to start off a season, but as soon as they drop 2 in a row fans are calling for heads to roll. The same can be applied to my blog. For a while there the first thing on a spider's mind before entering a room was my blog. "Is Stephen in there?" they would think. If I was, they simply detoured their route and carried on their way, or waited for me to leave before entering. A few months went by without me blogging though, and things like food and fun have come before safety. Spiders know of me and still shudder when my name is mentioned, but I'm no longer a hot topic. I've had my 15 minutes of fame in their mind.
Well I'm here for 15 more.
On Wednesday my good friend Melissa and I were hanging out in my room. It was late at night and being the classy guy that I am I had a candle burning and acting as the sole light source. I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when something caught my eye. I knew this feeling. I wanted to believe that it was just the candle light flickering and causing moving shadows, but the other side of my brain wouldn't let me believe it for long. I looked up and sure enough there was a small black spider darting across my wall, just below eye level. Unbelievable. Was I scared? Absolutely, but I had a guest present so I had to play it cool. The spider stopped and I saw my chance to grab my camera. I tried taking a few pictures but they came out blurry. This was the best one:
After taking a few pictures I think something snapped in this blockhead's brain, and he realized who I was. By then it was too late. I had him cornered. With two tissues in hand I extended my arm and smashed him up against the wall. You could've set a 5 pound weight on my arm and it would've collapsed, so liquid-like was it's state. That didn't matter though, because the spider was dead and once again I reigned victorious.
So all is good, right? A minor fluke in the system, but you'll have that every once in a while. I figured things would go back to being normal again and it would be months before my next spider sighting. I couldn't have been more incorrect.
A few days later some friends and I arrived at home around 4:30 in the AM after a show in Cincinnati. I had to pee like nobody's business, so I headed to the latrine, my friend Dave's favorite word for a "bathroom". It was very early in the morning, so naturally I was groggy. Imagine what a wake up call I received when this cretin crawled into my line of vision!
What a totally unnecessary sight to behold! I acted quickly to take out my cell phone and snap a picture. After I took the picture, I looked at it and had to turn my head sideways. This was because I felt a small amount of vomit building up in my stomach, and rather than throw up in a toilet with a spider inches from my face, I was preparing to spew in the bathtub. In the few seconds that I thought I might ruminate, this spider parried to the ground making itself almost invisible. I cried for help. Erik was quick to respond, and got all up in that spider's business. He stomped it into the fake tile and Mother Earth breathed a small but noticeable sigh of relief. (BTW, some people say that spiders are necessary and that they control the insect population. To this I cry out an infinite number of shenanigans.)
Daily Spider Count: 0
Weekly Spider Count: 0 (but 2 last week)
Overall Feeling: A little feeling-y
