Thursday, April 30th 2009

As April comes to a close I feel without the slightest bit of doubt that this will go down as the worst April in my spider-fearing memory. Not only was this month filled with spider sightings, but the density in which I've seen spiders recently makes me worry that the summer months will be two or three-fold what I'm seeing now.

I get the feeling you guys think this is a joke. This isn't funny. It's not funny that I have to check the ceiling two or three times while I'm in a room. It's not hilarious when my spider sense goes off and lo and behold there one is next to my foot. This is real life. They should show this shit on SpikeTV.

Which brings me to the actual post. This last week has been so saturated with spiders that they're calling it "The Week" ("they" aren't very creative). I'm gonna do things a little bit differently this time around because what we've got are spider sightings spread out over about 4 days, and I'm going to break them up into two groups.

Group 1: Alex's Apartment

Alexander Case is the bass player for my band, and also a good friend. This weekend the band and I decided to spend the night at his apartment in Indianapolis as it would save us time and gas for our show the next day in Illinois. Now I've stayed there before, and outside of the stupid dog that humps everything and slobbers on more, it's a nice pad. Or, it WAS a nice pad.

Early morning. BOOM. Spider on Annie's blanket.
Shower time. BOOM. Spider in the tub.
Early afternoon. BOOM. Spider on the wall.
Afternoon. BOOM. Spider on the wall part 2.

Now, you might think that's a lot of BOOMs. But John Madden and I both agree that it's the correct amount. Guys, that's FOUR spiders in about a six hour span. At that rate we're looking at 16 spiders a day, 112 spiders a week, 5840 spiders a year (5856 if it's a leap year), and 438,300 over the course of the average lifetime. Now I know that seems impossible, but anything is possible with god, and everything is creepy with spiders.


Group 2: Harmon St. Kitchen

There's a lot of controversy over the worst possible place to see a spider. My thought has always been while driving a car, but a lot of people say it's the kitchen. I've gotta say, after the past few days I'm looking to switch my opinion (something I only do once or twice a day). Two nights ago I was having a nice conversation with my roommate Michael in our kitchen when all of a sudden I saw his eyes light up as he looked towards the ceiling above me. It was like I was in a movie. Slow motion. His mouth started to form "spi-", then the camera cut to me. My head was shaking, my mouth clearly screaming "NOOOOOOO". It cuts back to him. "-der". All hell breaks loose. He kills the spider with my brand new box of pancake mix. Yuck.



To commemorate the death I made a batch of pancakes (with white chocolate chips). So good. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating them when I remembered the movie I watched earlier starring Michael and Stephen. I hated that movie. I looked up to the ceiling in remembrance and OH GOD ANOTHER ONE. The same exact kind too. Clear, long legs that they keep close to their body, and fast. I grabbed a box of Special K with red berries (GROSS) and smashed it. If you would've been standing in the next room it would've sounded like someone was PPKing (punt, pass and kicking) a box of cereal, such was the magnitude of my shaky arm.



So that brings us to tonight. With these sightings fresh in my mind, it was with a cautious heart and attentive mind that I approached my kitchen to get a grapefruit. By the way, I've gotta say I think I'm doing something wrong when it comes to eating grapefruits. 50% of the thing just ends up in a pulpy mess in the bottom of my bowl. My fears were confirmed when I saw a single-strand spider web going from the ceiling light to the top of the refrigerator. That spider was somewhere and I'll be damned if I was going to let it run free. I grabbed the Special K again and carefully made my way around the kitchen. My phone started to vibrate in my pocket and I about hit the ceiling. All of a sudden I spotted it in the top left corner. I slowly approached it, lunged at it with the cereal, and barely hit it! It fell to the floor! Oh my god!!!! Wait...it's lying still. OH MY GOD NO IT'S MOVING. Dead. Fucking dead. I dropped that box of cereal on the spider like Obama dropped his positive message of change on all the po' people in this great country of ours.



Three dead spiders in the kitchen. A fluke, or a sign of things to come? Only time will tell.

Daily Spider Count: 1
Weekly Spider Count: 3
Last Week's Spider Count: 4
Overall Feeling: Scared that I have 9 more nights in this house, glad that I only have 9 more nights in this house.

Monday, April 20th 2009

Taken from Wikipedia: Spiders (order Araneae) are air-breathing chelicerate arthropods that have eight legs, and chelicerae modified into fangs that inject venom.

What it should have said: Spiders (order WTF) are fire-breathing chelicerate arthropods that have eight legs with visible hair on them, eight eyeballs for no reason, and chelicerae modified into fangs that inject venom into any Stephen in the area.

Friday was like eating a club sandwich with moldy bread. This probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but let me explain. Any time I see or hear about having a chance to eat a club sandwich, I get stoked. They’re delicious, filling, and don’t make me feel sick. Now if you took that sandwich and put it on moldy bread, we’re looking at a whole different situation. What you have there is something amazing (meat-on-meat, lettuce, cheese, dressing, etc) surrounded by items of disgust (moldy bread). Now, how does that apply to my Friday night? It’s simple.

I love dancing. Because of this I decided to throw a dance party at my house. This dance party is something that is awesome. The only problem was that a spider approached me both before AND after the dance party, giving you a metaphorical moldy sandwich.

The first encounter was straight out of one my nightmares. I was cleaning the house, getting ready for guests. I live with people who don’t know how to put DVDs and video games away when they’re done using them, so I had a stack of discs that I was putting into cases. I was rummaging through a big bin of cases when I lifted up Madden ’03 (why do I still even have that?) only to find a spider moving all eight of it’s legs so fast that they made that little circle you see when the roadrunner is being chased by coyote. My roommate Austin was around so I made him kill it while I watched to make sure it was actually dead. This little nugget was squirming all over the cases and video game controllers and I wanted nothing to do with it. Here it is. Prepare to get goosebumps.



(That is NOT my hand)

So after that incident I was on edge, but the most excellent dance party that occurred shortly after took care of it. Little did I know that spiders like to dance as well. After all the guests had gone home I was hanging out with my friend Tulo in my kitchen. We were just standing around, reminiscing on how incredible we both are. I went to get something out of my fridge when lo and behold a spider was spotted RUNNING down the wall to the left of my fridge. Now, most of the time when I see spiders they are either just chillin' out or contained by some sort of bin (like the one we saw earlier). This one was full on sprinting and I had to act fast. There was no time for pictures as I picked something (no clue) out of the garbage and slammed it up against the wall. Guys, I seriously acted so fast that it could have been Michael Johnson (does anyone even remember him?) in spider form and I still would’ve slaughtered it. I know there’s no picture for this one, but you can ask Tulo and he will tell you it happened. If you think about it, it’s actually better than a picture because a picture can be photoshopped. The good word of Tulo can’t.

Daily Spider Count: 2
Weekly Spider Count: 2
Overall Feeling: Only one more month left in this hell hole

Sunday, March 22nd 2009

It's a rare occasion when I'm upset to be back amongst family and friends, but in this case I regret to inform you that I've returned. Warmer weather is upon us and the spiders are slowly making their way out of their eggs, or whatever it is they grow up in. The pits of hell have re-opened and arachnids are once again among us. It's a time of confusion as warmer weather brings about feelings of a child-like joy, and spiders bring with them feelings of WTF! Today was a day in which I experienced both (or bolth if you talk like me).

I traveled with my roommate to see his band play a show in Wabash, IN. It was a great time, and I got to see some old friends. What I didn't realize was that I was also going to see some old enemies too. After his band played, Michael and I walked to a nearby gas station. On the walk I had a turd that was just dying to go for a swim, and you already know where I was headed as soon as I walked in the Speedway. I was minding my own business and shedding some excess weight when here comes a spider, dangling from it's web next to the wall.



I instantly clenched up and went over a few options in my head.

Option 1: I ignore the fact that I'm pooping, get up and get a paper towel, and squish it.
Option 2: I ball up some toilet paper (gas station toilet paper is so thin it's basically non-existent) and squish it, with a good chance that I'm going to feel it being squished.
Option 3: I take off a shoe and slam it.
Option 4: I wait until I'm done and take care of it then.

Option 4 was so out of the question that it left my mind as quickly as it entered, and I was stuck with three options. I didn't want to get messy, so option 1 disappeared. I also didn't want to feel a spider being crushed because that will cause me to vomit, and then more of a mess will be caused than in option 1. Option 3 really had no downside besides me not wanting to get athlete's foot from the gas station bathroom floor, so I took of my shoe and beat that spider up like we were in high school and he just dissed my girlfriend.

Later that night after the show we returned home. Harmon Street has been a tranquil place lately, and I've enjoyed the carefree atmosphere that has been created by a spider free life. My orange juice tastes sweeter, my showers feel warmer, and I wake up feeling more rejuvenated than ever before. Now I feel like my summer break is over, and school is back in session. I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands and get my number 1 on. After I flushed our broken toilet I turned to face the sink and lo and behold a medium sized clear spider was running right next to it. I panicked and didn't move for a few seconds. I started looking at my weapon options: soap bottles, shaving cream cans, toothbrushes, nothing with a hard, flat surface. Finally I landed on a roll of toilet paper which, ideally, isn't my number one choice, but I wasn't left with many options. My arm looked like a character from season 1 of Home Movies, and it didn't feel much better. I slowly moved towards the quarter-sized beast and then dropped the roll of TP on it like a ton of bricks. No one was in the house, so a battle cry may or may not have been yelled. I wasn't about to risk taking a picture of it while it was alive, so here it is after I had my way with it.



If today was a hint of the days ahead, bring on winter again.

Daily Spider Count: 2
Weekly Spider Count: 2
Overall Feeling: In the mean time, skip spring time

Monday, January 12th 2009

Happy new year Spider Count fans! I'm sure you've noticed that I've been absent for quite some time. As usual, the reason is simple. Spiders simply haven't been showing their faces around me lately. The reason for THAT is obvious. The past 50+ years in America we've witnessed incredible leaps and bounds in the area of technology. If that wasn't enough, the past 10 years you could say those "leaps and bounds" have increased exponentially. You might be asking yourself, "how does this relate to you not seeing spiders?" and to that I might respond, "you're one of those people who ask questions about what is going to happen in a movie, aren't you?" Shut up and pay attention.

Technology is spreading like a wildfire, that I've made clear. What I haven't touched on yet is that technology is no longer just benefiting humans. We use technology to help improve the lives of animals, plants, and the earth in general. Surgeries are available for cats and dogs, full body scans are being done on race horses, and so on and so forth. Animals benefit from technology, and it would be foolish of me to assume that spiders don't take advantage of the technological opportunities set forth in front of them. That famous saying, "it only takes a spark to get a fire going" rings ever so true in my conquest to banish all forms of arachnids from the planet. I imagine a few spiders got bored one day and decided to hop on the webs of another kind. The webs that are available WORLDWIDE. These little turds, not so different from humans, had egos and Googled themselves. Obviously, not having a name, they just typed in "spider". Even more obviously, my blog (having received national acclaim) was the first hit. They read through it a few times and decided they wanted to have absolutely nothing to do with me. Even more than avoiding me, they took it upon themselves to warn their brethren of me, and now I have single-handedly raised the spider world's threat level to a hearty orange; one step away from the highest level possible, red. I credit my straight-forward reporting. I never back down from posting pictures, regardless of how gruesome or creepy they may be. A dead spider carcass that has been smashed by a DVD case? Post it. A living spider just seconds away from it's inexorable death? Post it. It's this kind of journalism that creates a buzz, and it has obviously worked in my favor.

NOW. With that all being said, this week has been a wake up call of sorts. Along with the electronic advancements comes the downfall; shorter attention spans. We live in a world chock full of gadgets and fast paced action, and therefore have adopted a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude. An NFL team can win 11 straight games to start off a season, but as soon as they drop 2 in a row fans are calling for heads to roll. The same can be applied to my blog. For a while there the first thing on a spider's mind before entering a room was my blog. "Is Stephen in there?" they would think. If I was, they simply detoured their route and carried on their way, or waited for me to leave before entering. A few months went by without me blogging though, and things like food and fun have come before safety. Spiders know of me and still shudder when my name is mentioned, but I'm no longer a hot topic. I've had my 15 minutes of fame in their mind.

Well I'm here for 15 more.

On Wednesday my good friend Melissa and I were hanging out in my room. It was late at night and being the classy guy that I am I had a candle burning and acting as the sole light source. I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when something caught my eye. I knew this feeling. I wanted to believe that it was just the candle light flickering and causing moving shadows, but the other side of my brain wouldn't let me believe it for long. I looked up and sure enough there was a small black spider darting across my wall, just below eye level. Unbelievable. Was I scared? Absolutely, but I had a guest present so I had to play it cool. The spider stopped and I saw my chance to grab my camera. I tried taking a few pictures but they came out blurry. This was the best one:



After taking a few pictures I think something snapped in this blockhead's brain, and he realized who I was. By then it was too late. I had him cornered. With two tissues in hand I extended my arm and smashed him up against the wall. You could've set a 5 pound weight on my arm and it would've collapsed, so liquid-like was it's state. That didn't matter though, because the spider was dead and once again I reigned victorious.

So all is good, right? A minor fluke in the system, but you'll have that every once in a while. I figured things would go back to being normal again and it would be months before my next spider sighting. I couldn't have been more incorrect.

A few days later some friends and I arrived at home around 4:30 in the AM after a show in Cincinnati. I had to pee like nobody's business, so I headed to the latrine, my friend Dave's favorite word for a "bathroom". It was very early in the morning, so naturally I was groggy. Imagine what a wake up call I received when this cretin crawled into my line of vision!



What a totally unnecessary sight to behold! I acted quickly to take out my cell phone and snap a picture. After I took the picture, I looked at it and had to turn my head sideways. This was because I felt a small amount of vomit building up in my stomach, and rather than throw up in a toilet with a spider inches from my face, I was preparing to spew in the bathtub. In the few seconds that I thought I might ruminate, this spider parried to the ground making itself almost invisible. I cried for help. Erik was quick to respond, and got all up in that spider's business. He stomped it into the fake tile and Mother Earth breathed a small but noticeable sigh of relief. (BTW, some people say that spiders are necessary and that they control the insect population. To this I cry out an infinite number of shenanigans.)

Daily Spider Count: 0
Weekly Spider Count: 0 (but 2 last week)
Overall Feeling: A little feeling-y